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Lady Celery

weekly wyrdness

Sitting it out.

Greetings!

Elections in Germany are coming up and as always the election posters are creeping me out! I would like to share with you some of the sins our parties commit to win over the uneducated populous.

The FDP Have a Blank poster saying “For our Germany”. Aha. So left wing parties poach right wing voters. Nice job prostituting themselves.

After the CDU had that terrible picture in the last election which basically looked like a (male) pedophile caught in the act they chose a woman to gaze creepily at a child this year. It was so bad that I did not even read the slogan.

What about the SPD though? I have to admit – they are good at campaigning and I would totally fall for it – if I was suffering from amnesia. Their sins are not in the campaign but in their actions last time they were in power – which is way worse if you ask me.
-Firstly, they legalized prostitution which has turned Germany into the sleazy creep of Europe and also into an international trading place for human trafficking.
-Secondly, after admitting that public pension insurance is failing, Schröder pushed the “Riester Rente”, which is basically a money scheme of which only he and his old buddy Mr. Riester profit.
-thirdly (probably while vacationing with Riester on other people’s pension money) he had the Idea to screw our social system and replace it with something that I like to call antisocial bully shit but is more commonly known as Hartz IV (you guessed right – invented by Schröder’s buddy Mr. Hartz who was involved in a variety of financial and ethical scandals). This system basically means that single moms without daycare get letters threating, they might be dependent on food stamps soon (literally!) and demanding money “back” that has never been paid (also litarally).
However, the German social system is based on the realization that peace within a society is based on everybody having enough as well as the desire to feel secure in the knowledge that you will be taken care of should misfortune befall you. This was quite the faux pas considering that the SPD (Social Democratic Party) had been voted for specifically for a more social politic!

And I would not even mention that Schröder initiated stopping the European weapon embargo on china (yeah…) and was best buddy to Putin if it was not for the latest developments…

Also I really do not want to start on what he did to our national dept!

Angela Merkel makes more social politic than the social Party, more green Politic than the environmental party ever dared to (see nuclear exit), our economy is now thanks to her amongst the top 5 worldwide and besides this nobody trusts the liberals anyways considering that they have never held real power.

The most serious criticism about Angie (after the press finally got over the fact that a power-hungry woman who does not want to please male fantasy exists) has always been that she sits out whatever life throws at her. Now while that is not entirely precise seeing that she does act politically, there is some truth to this statement. She does not overreact and is very patient.

If we look into human history, times of fast change have almost always been those with the most suffering and human tragedy, while stability and slow changes allow for peace and prosperity. I therefore appreciate her strategy of allowing some things to sort themselves out and consider the benefits of a peaceful politic to outweigh my occasional impatience by far.

Have a wonderful week:-)

Disclaimer:
This is not an advertisement and no financial or any other kind of benefit results from this blog…

Lazy Me

 

I have not written anything the past months. The reason is not that there was nothing to write about, in fact there was too much. Between the election of trump, upcoming elections in Germany and France and some scandals of celebrities I like there were plenty of little things in my life I had something to say about.

Instead of writing I spent the time watching stuff online – consuming instead of producing. I felt diseased, addicted even. The inability to stop consuming while time passes is probably the most crippling in my life. It is like fast forwarding your life – no meaningful thing happens and even the content of whatever watched is forgotten fast, especially after binge watching whole series of this or that awesome show. It really has no perks at all – not even relaxation.

While watching tv does help me to relax my brain when I am unable to have anymore social interaction I usually neglect my body’s needs. Sitting crouched, eating crap, not hydrating properly and breathing shallowly I usually feel afterwards like I need a holiday from my “relaxation”. I wonder how people relaxed before the moving pictures. In “little women” one of them always reads to the others, however, as a mother I know that reading to someone is definitely not relaxing and I would need a whole lot of getting read to in order to relax from the reading to others!

When I told a friend about this she was so dismissive of it though. “No, this is not an addiction. Everybody talks about addictions these days; it is so over the top.” But when I described how I sit there fully knowing that I should turn it off, that I will regret not turning it off, that I will feel terrible for nor not getting stuff done again because of this and still my hands just will not perform the task, she was like “Oh, wow – that DOES sound like an addiction!”.

I tried napping. Napping is a beautiful thing to rest the body, but my mind just never shuts up. Insomnia has been a major problem during my life since childhood. I have always had a really hard time falling asleep, but during my teens I also could not stay asleep which in a way is even worse. Sometimes I would wake up every 15 minutes!

This went away when I started staying awake excessively and spent my days in a state of extreme exhaustion. Maybe this has messed with my ability to fall asleep even more because now I can’t fall asleep without exhaustion at all anymore. So whenever I try to be a responsible adult and go to bed at a reasonable time at night to be rested for work the next day I just lay awake for hours with what feels like a think-cramp. If those internal monologues were somehow transferred to writing I could have published many books by now. Sadly, most of those times I am too tired to write.

So basically what I am trying to say here is that I am sorry for neglecting everybody’s entertainment and that the reason for this is that I am also fighting some personal demons.

Have a wonderful week 🙂

Making the lame walk

Greetings!

I hate smoke. I never liked passive smoking – so much so that I started smoking at some point to avoid it.

However, when I got pregnant I quit smoking along with other bad habits and due to my pregnancy developed quite a nose. Sometimes I would be in the street with no smoker to be seen and smell the smoke and experience fist symptoms of the nicotine-flash (as I was told it is called) and nausea. Then walking half a mile and around a corner I would find the smoker.

As my pregnancy progressed, I increasingly avoided leaving the house at all (which probably contributed to my obesity). Luckily it is not quite as bad anymore. However, I am still quite sensitive to smoking –both the smoke itself as well as the nicotine affect me individually. This I know because passive e-smoking has a terrible effect on my overall wellbeing and while the smoke of fire does not cause me feelings of illness, I do get a severe flight-reaction and my whole system is in alarm.

Now every morning to get to work I have to walk through the outdoors entrance area. This area is specifically declared “nonsmoking” because all employees as well as patients and guests have to walk through there in order to get to work, treatments or to visit their relatives in the hospital. Some of them have cancer and go to chemo. Some are children who come for their chemo. Some are pregnant (a lot of high-risk pregnancies) and come for check-ups.

There are two gigantic no-smoking signs on the floors (red) as well as several blue signs guiding smokers to benches and sheltered smoking areas. Still every single day most of the smokers not only smoke within this protective area but also choose to stand on top of the huge signs! And I start my work day feeling terrible, unfocused, and completely foggy in my brain. Which is not ideal for scientific research.

For months I have been trying to gather the courage to tell those people to leave the non-smokers’ area. After one very successful first try with a very polite woman who clearly had not realized she had smoked in the wrong place I felt a new sense of courage.

Right the next day I approached a man who was smoking his cigar right in front of the roofed door I had to go through. Had he just moved one meter to the front, 10cm to the left and one meter to the back he would have been within the smoking area, under a roof the smoke safely separated by a glass wall from all thosewalking in or out of the house.I felt like this was not asking too much of anyone. Even someone who recently had one of his legs amputated and was sitting in a wheelchair with his freshly bandaged leg stump on display should not poison other people while killing himself.

Me: excuse me, would you please move to the smoking area? This area is not for smoking. There is a roofed area right there (pointing).

Him: Yeah? Can you smell this? Can you?

Me: Yes I can, absolutely. Also the smoke gets blown inside if you smoke here.

Him: Yeah? Does It? How many floors up? He?

Me: That is really not important. This is to protect other people. Pregnant Women come through here and passive smoking can cause miscarriage and premature birth!

Him: Yeah? Does It? Really?

Me: Yes it does. Please go to the smoking area now!

Then I walked away without looking back.I had just told a wheelchair user to go.

The next day he was smoking his apparently daily cigar in the exact same spot. I did not say anything. I was ashamed and I had lost confidence. The day after that he had moved to the right spot. I wonder why. There are still many others smoking there though. When it is just 1 person I feel ok telling them to move. But it is very uncomfortable to do so when there are several individuals and it would actually take quite some time to go to all of them and explain and possibly be yelled at by ten different people.

I really do not want to do this every single morning.So instead I just do my work dizzy.

Have a wonderful week!

Naked on the internet

Greetings!

A few years ago when I was still at school one day my teacher entered the classroom in a good mood and gave the following announcement: “Great news – they finally arrested the people who installed web-cams in the lady’s rooms!”

My immediate reaction was a shriek of terror: “there were CAMERAS in the toilets!!! WHY did nobody tell us before??? Who was on the footage??? In which bathroom were they EXACTLY??? WERE THEY IN ALL BATHROOMS??????? FOR HOW LONG?????????”

To this day I have no Idea if there is an online community that was witness to my bathroom visits. Did the bus driver see me shit on the internet? Did the person who fixes my windows see me empty my menstrual cup?

And then the police and judge. During any investigation those people actually have to view the evidentiary material. I will never know. I will never feel quite safe again. In public restrooms. At the doctor’s office (there was a similar case at a local hospital also a few years back where a male nurse filmed patients undressing for surgery). And in my own home.

As a result of this incident I did do some research on voyeurism and found a very informative web page where a dude bragged with having installed a micro camera in a smoke detector. As our smoke detectors are installed and maintained by a company this gives random strangers the opportunity to do the same to me.

I did not want to go to the bathroom anymore, but sadly with 8 hour days a weak bladder and a frequent and strong menstruation there just is isn’t any choice! I started to appreciate the burka. It would have been great to have my own private little toilet-tent that nobody can tamper with! However, it does seem like a bit too much to handle in an already disgusting and quite tiny room.

Here is the thing that I am really curious about though: Why on earth do these people want to see that? I am quite happy that I don’t have to witness people on the toilet. Is it a fetish or some weird anal fixation? Please don’t get me wrong! If someone enjoys watching others taking a shit or peeing or menstruating and they find someone who likes to lets them watch? Great for them! But I don’t want to be seen like that. And should I ever agree to that I would not tolerate a camera anywhere nearby! This is why my birth was not filmed also. I like to shit alone.

Have a wonderful week:-)

 

 

What brings us joy

Greetings!

Recently I have applied to participate in an experimental study of our gender studies department. What they wanted was a woman without a history of emotional  illness (I use the term emotional rather than mental, because I find mental illness misleading, as it has a connotation of mental retardation or damage) who is  not on hormonal birth control or pregnant.

They won’t find anyone- I am sure. What “emotionally healthy” woman that is not on birth control is not pregnant? That’s right, a lesbian. However, the probability to be diagnosed with some sort of mental disease is much higher for LGBTQ+ people! (that leaves infertile heterosexual women before the infertility causes depression…) Also just being female increases the chances of being diagnosed with some sort of mental disease- maybe because mostly men were involved in shaping our society and the definition of mental illnesses? A penguin in the desert probably feels really shitty, but he is not sick (at least not right away), he should just exist in radically different conditions!

I personally have been in treatment and was even diagnosed emotionally disabled over a decade back. But was I really sick? And what do we consider “sickness” to be? Certainly I experienced a lack of joy that made the continued experience of existence unbearable. I experienced a level of isolation that I could feel as a physical pain unrivalled by any other experience.

What is a sickness? Is it not healthy to feel pain when you are beaten? But the resulting injury then is a sickness. As Injuries sometimes do not heal correctly and the previous state is not restored, the occurring permanent health restrictions would be a chronic condition. If I use this and transferred it to emotional health I have to say that the judgment of “mental illness” is quite unfair.

 When we are in a bad situation it hurts, we are not sick, we have a healthy reaction to unfavorable conditions. If only those who were still suffering after a sufficient time for healing after the removal of the cause were considered “mentally ill”, I think doctors would be forced to label a lot of people “healthy”!

Now I have friends and a daughter- I have learned to influence the way I judge and receive experiences. I can step back and watch my thoughts from the outside both sad and joyful ones. It is amazing how much our mood is influenced just by our mind. Recently my employee informed me that I can probably get an extended contract and therefor do not have to go through the hassle of finding a new job in April. I knew this might happen even before the conversation, but after it I felt completely free of worries and ready to make plans again.

My situation had not changed, only my perception of it.

I still know that ultimately we are all alone. We all die alone. Nobody can ever truly share our experience, because if they did, it would just be us. But this isolation also contains the potential for joy. We can touch others and allow ourselves to be touched.

So am I “sick” or “healthy”? Who knows – however, I am probably too different to be a good subject for any study…

Have a wonderful week:-)

getting lost

A few days ago a friend called me christian. I felt offended. His reasoning was that all those years of private catholic girls’ school must have rubbed off on me. His reasoning being, that some of my acquired traits come from originally catholic behavior- whatever that may be.

However, I think that the German Catholics have been heavily influenced by German paganism both in their traditions and practices. This is evident in many things like for instance how far the tradition of having a “Christmas tree” dates back. In fact they were prohibited by the church in Germany for quite a while! How can it be an originally Christian tradition then? But he disagrees…

The reality is- I am pagan. This is not really anything that I chose, but something that I accepted about myself. I was raised in an extremely antireligious family. I was taught that being religious was always accompanied by mental retardation and also that you could see this retardation in the religious person’s facial features. The religion and its practices were considered an expression of some sort of psychosis. Of course I left those intolerant thought behind a long time ago.

Also I am a big fan of science which means that any religious inclinations cause a dissonance within me as I try to reconcile the certainties of natural science with a belief in the divine. Even though it is contrary to my scientific convictions I have always felt an inner need for religion that needed to be fulfilled because its neglect impaired my mental wellbeing.

After I finally accepted this irrational need, naturally I thought a lot about becoming a catholic which is the predominant religion in my area. However, I have an almost pathological desire to think and decide for myself – traits that do not go well with believing in one book and at the same time having to ignore 80% of that same book because its’ content is just violent and disgusting.

I call my religion a “natural religion”. This does not mean that I pray to nature. It means that my religion is an expression of my own nature. Like a squirrel’s nature is expressed in ways of locomotion that are mostly jumping and climbing.

I do as a part of that religion feel the need to connect with the part of nature that has not been altered by man too much (I refuse the terms artificial and unnatural – is a termite hill not “artificial” and yet considered “natural” because it is made by animals?). So I like to go to the park, to lakes and hills and to the woods. My problem with that is that I get lost extremely easily. So much so in fact that as a running gag people would let me lead the way in school and make fun at every wrong turn I took. I am terribly scared of getting really lost and not being home before dark and getting murdered in the middle of the woods…

So there I am at the woods wanting to get out there, leave the path and go where I am drawn. But after about one minute off the path I know I will be completely lost if I go any further at all! And even on the paths I have no Idea how to get back if there aren’t any maps around. As a consequence I usually go out in terrible weather – this way nobody is there to stare at me when I stand around in really random places (always in sight of the path and near the next road!) with my eyes closed visualizing and connecting with the flow of nature.

Yes I am wyrd, but I like to be so in privateJ

Have a wonderful week!

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