A few days ago a friend called me christian. I felt offended. His reasoning was that all those years of private catholic girls’ school must have rubbed off on me. His reasoning being, that some of my acquired traits come from originally catholic behavior- whatever that may be.
However, I think that the German Catholics have been heavily influenced by German paganism both in their traditions and practices. This is evident in many things like for instance how far the tradition of having a “Christmas tree” dates back. In fact they were prohibited by the church in Germany for quite a while! How can it be an originally Christian tradition then? But he disagrees…
The reality is- I am pagan. This is not really anything that I chose, but something that I accepted about myself. I was raised in an extremely antireligious family. I was taught that being religious was always accompanied by mental retardation and also that you could see this retardation in the religious person’s facial features. The religion and its practices were considered an expression of some sort of psychosis. Of course I left those intolerant thought behind a long time ago.
Also I am a big fan of science which means that any religious inclinations cause a dissonance within me as I try to reconcile the certainties of natural science with a belief in the divine. Even though it is contrary to my scientific convictions I have always felt an inner need for religion that needed to be fulfilled because its neglect impaired my mental wellbeing.
After I finally accepted this irrational need, naturally I thought a lot about becoming a catholic which is the predominant religion in my area. However, I have an almost pathological desire to think and decide for myself – traits that do not go well with believing in one book and at the same time having to ignore 80% of that same book because its’ content is just violent and disgusting.
I call my religion a “natural religion”. This does not mean that I pray to nature. It means that my religion is an expression of my own nature. Like a squirrel’s nature is expressed in ways of locomotion that are mostly jumping and climbing.
I do as a part of that religion feel the need to connect with the part of nature that has not been altered by man too much (I refuse the terms artificial and unnatural – is a termite hill not “artificial” and yet considered “natural” because it is made by animals?). So I like to go to the park, to lakes and hills and to the woods. My problem with that is that I get lost extremely easily. So much so in fact that as a running gag people would let me lead the way in school and make fun at every wrong turn I took. I am terribly scared of getting really lost and not being home before dark and getting murdered in the middle of the woods…
So there I am at the woods wanting to get out there, leave the path and go where I am drawn. But after about one minute off the path I know I will be completely lost if I go any further at all! And even on the paths I have no Idea how to get back if there aren’t any maps around. As a consequence I usually go out in terrible weather – this way nobody is there to stare at me when I stand around in really random places (always in sight of the path and near the next road!) with my eyes closed visualizing and connecting with the flow of nature.
Yes I am wyrd, but I like to be so in privateJ
Have a wonderful week!