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Lady Celery

weekly wyrdness

How to take a relaxing bath (for girls)

Have you ever taken a bath and realized that it was not relaxing at all?
Here are the 29 easy steps to taking a relaxing bath (for girls):

Step 1) Get all the necessary supplies.

Step 2) Call the bulky waste removal.

Step 3) Declutter your basement, attic and apartment and have everything removed.

Step 4) empty all your cupboards, shelves and drawers, clean on the inside and declutter

Step 5) Dust your walls, ceilings and Lamps.

Step 6) Paint your apartment / house.

Step 7) Freshen up your pot plants.

Step 8) Do everything on your to-do list.

Step 9) Wash your windows.

Step 10) Wash your floors.

Step 11) Bring out the garbage.

Step 12) Wash your laundry.

Step 13) Wash and tidy anything that has not so far been cleaned or tidied.

Step 14) Wash and tidy your bathroom. Pay special attention to the bathtub

Step 15) Take a shower and exfoliate.

Step 16) Do all the necessary epilating and waxing.

Step 17) Take a shower and do all the necessary shaving.

Step 18) Exercise vigorously.

Step 19) Eat whatever you should eat after exercising according to your own convictions.

Step 20) Take a shower.

Step 21) Wash your laundry and bring out the garbage.

Step 22) Make sure you will not be disturbed (Kids to grandma, turn off the doorbell and
all electronic devices).

Step 23) Put on the right type of music.

Step 24) Light candles.

Step 25) Get a glass or Wine / Tea (depending on your personality).

Step 26) Get a book / a vibrator or both depending on your personal preferences.

Step 27) Run your bath.

Step 28) Apply a face-mask.

Step 29) Enjoy your bath.

I am a prepper (a little bit)

When I was 17, while I was living in a home for teenage girls with troubles, we did a survival training during one of our holidays. This meant making shelter, maintaining a fire, a semi-shamanic ritual (no drumming) and cooking on the fire. For me it also meant getting nicotine poisoning from inhaling the smoke of 500g burnt tobacco during the ritual. I spent one entire afternoon vomiting and a night freezing because my irresponsible shelter buddy had allowed the fire to go out while I was incapacitated from exhaustion.

Long story short- I lOVED it! I have been wanting to repeat the experience ever since (but hopefully without the vomiting). However, there was never enough money, or put differently, the money that was there I had prioritized differently or wanted to save for emergencies. Now for the first time in my life I have decided to spend a large (for me) amount of money on my own pleasure and signed up for a one week intensive training with “Earth Trail” during the summer. The rules are: 3.5 kg of pack + sleeping bag and mat for the last night.

So basically I made a gigantic list of stuff that I will assemble, and then see how much I have to leave behind because of its weight.

And here is my list:

 

clothing

 

Health and hygiene

 

Food

 

Other equipment

Good pair of outdoor pants with big pockets

 

Natural soap

Nuts

Multi tool

1 pair of soft pants

Natural skin care

raisins

knife

belt

 

Sun screen

Oats

Knife sharpener

Extra socks and underpants

Water sterilization tablets

dried vegan jerky

Fire starter

2 comfortable sports bras

 

Anti bug spray

 

compass

Cap (for nights)

Menstrual cup

   

1 extra shirt

 

pads

 

cord

1 warm jumper

contraception

 

Civilization tools

Fishing line

1 under shirt (for nights)

retainer

cash

map

1 military poncho

tweezers

Mobile phone

Plastic bags

1 good jacket

Nail file

Personel ID

Freezer bags

Hiking boots

Needle and yarn

Money card

2L Water bottle

Very light sandals

Safety pins

 

1 pot for cooking

Protective gloves

Moist tissues (biodegradabe)

Journal

1 pot for washing / or

Glasses and sun glasses

Toothbrush

Pen

 

Shower bag

Cotton cloth

 

Natural toothpaste

camera

 

Folding shovel

1 Hat (for sun)

Comb / brush

 

carabines

   

1st aid:

 

binoculars

 

2 Rescue blankets

   
 

paracetamol

   
   

Char coal tablets

   
 

Antiseptic burn creme

   
 

Bandages and plasters

   
 

Anti-inflammatory creme

   
 

Wound desinfection

   
 

Wound pad

   
 

mineral tablets for rehydration

Flush right in italic are things that I could probably make or find easily /are not totally essential. I do realise, that a lot of those things are luxuries but not having them would add a lot of work and discomfort especially since I am not in used to wilderness situations currently.

Did I forget anything?

Also I have great plans for further preparation, like actually sticking to my entire sportive regimen in the three months before the training and loading up on vitamins and minerals to be in top shape and also fasting a couple of days to get used to the feeling and learn again how to deal with low food supply. Let’s see how that goes…

So in the mean time (until August) I annoy everybody around me with my excitement about navigation by the stars while secretly worrying about how on earth I am going to get my private parts washed without anyone else actually seeing me do this.

Have a wonderful week🙂

 

Living in dark times (literally) / feeling like shit

The little hours with Aubrey Plaza – a movie review

Short: It is amazing, watch it!

Long:

The movie produced by Aubrey Plaza is based on a story in the Decamerone by Giovanni Boccaccio (first story, third night). I have been looking forward to this movie coming out for months as is centers around my favourite themes: nuns, witches and bisexuality (this movie is about witchy bisexual nuns). Pure perfection. You might be wondering how these subjects fit together and the full truth is that I do not know entirely. I did go to catholic school though and my high school was a girl’s school run by nuns. I have always been fascinated with monastic life and Catholicism specifically.

It is probably Feminism in its purest form as those in all female groups tend to exhibit a competence and capability in all things as well as deep friendships (I want to say cameradarie, but then that would be more male) while uninhibited by social norms and expectations. The stereotypical “bitchyness” in my experience manifests only when at least one male is present or when at least one woman was raised extremely traditional into believing that the male is better and nececcary for the female to be complete thus blaming all imperfections on the male absence (ironically it is also those women who talk the worst shit about men when they are present, like that they can not even accomplish simple tasks eg. washing the dishes…)

Back to the movie: I do not find that it depicts catholics or nuns accurately as they are at present but you have to remember that back in the day a lot of women who were a bit unruly or seemed “unfit” for marriage (more in the Lillith than the Eva department) were forced into monastic life and had maybe no desire or disposition to stick to the restraints and rules. If I imagine myself back then I probably would have acted a bit like those women (maybe a lot).

The only criticism I have about this film is that the aggressions displayd by the nuns are not acted convincingly. As whole I think the movie is funny, interesting and very aesthetic and is great entertainment.

Watch it!

What movies taught me about relationships

While you might not believe the ways in which Hollywood moovies portray relationships, I feel they still influence how we interact. So here is a list of bullshit right out of Hollywood:

If you really hate someone at first, he is probably your soul mate

It is totally acceptable to lie and manipulate in order to maneuver someone into a relationship

Lying in the beginning of a relationship is not only accepted, but also expected and nececcary.

While a romantic scene for a hetero couple always involves sex, lesbians just hold each other fully dressed (Jenny’s wedding).

If you completely embarrass your (lesbian) partner in front of your entire homophobic family, she will be totally ok with it (also Jenny’s Wedding).

Men are totally happy to raise other men’s children (The Back-up Plan).

If you have a child with a man he is probably your soul mate (unless he abused you).

If a man does not water the lawn, you should get a divorce (Jenny’s Wedding).

If a Man contributes more to a relationship than the woman, that is ok. If he contributes less, he is an asshole.

Feminists are too ugly date.

Right after almost getting gang-raped, women really want to have sex (Spartacus).

Women’s bodies do not suffer from pregnancy. When the fat is gone, they are fine.

Men really change when they found their soul mate.

Women are unbelievably annoying and crazy and only bearable because they have a fuck hole.

Hot women like beer / sports / computer games.

If you put your penis into a woman’s Vagina and do 3 to 5 positions, she will have an orgasm.

If you orally stimulate a woman’s clitoris she will DEFINATLY have an orgasm.

Everybody wants and should have a relationship. If you say you do not want one, it means you can’t get one and are pathetic.

Have a wonderful week:-)

Senior high

Every morning when I leave the house I quickly read the headlines of my neighbor’s newspaper and the occasional short article (mostly because I want to procrastinate going out into the cold harsh world and ride my bike to work). Today a text on the increasing number of severe traffic accidents involving e-bikes caught my eye. According to this author, especially senior citizens are involved into such accidents. Also he mentions that there is a panel of experts looking into the influence of weed, illegally tuned bikes (faster than 25km/h) and hit and runs.

While I applaud this spirit of enterprise, I do find it highly disturbing, that apparently there are people becoming victims of a hit and run by a high 70 year old on a “tuned” bike. Wrap your mind around that…

Stable genius

 

When I wrote to an old friend recently the first thing she asked was, whether or not I still had my blog. So here I am trying to make something again finally. It is not even as if I was lazy of late- a genuinely have a lot on my plate. I have not been on Facebook for months if that tells you anything:-)

Since I am here I would like to tell you, that I am a stable genius. Totally. I swear.

Firstly, let me define “genius” for you according to someone I can not remember, but who impressed me enough to memorize this quote: “A genius is someone surrounded by dumber people than he himself is.” I love this statement, because it reflects beautifully how the world feels to a smart person. Usually one perceives oneself as the norm, meaning, one would neither feel particularly stupid or intelligent but rather attribute such characteristics to others. Oneself, however usually feels “normal”.

In my everyday life as teenager, I was often confronted with the fact, that other people would come to different conclusions than me when faced with the same facts. They were always more, so they had to be right and I began to feel stupid. This changed when a professional Intelligence test was done with me that I did pretty well on. I want to say it right away: According to this test, I am not a genius, but smarter than average. To have this result was good for me. I knew then, that also as a minority I can be right. But I was also smart enough to see the shortcomings of this test. A big one was on foreign words. I had taken Latin in school which gave me a huge advantage, others just as smart as I would not have had. I understood that this test was just a very vague assessment to get a general Idea of ones mental faculties.

A thing that usually keeps a smart person firmly grounded, is finding out, when they are wrong. Some people will feel super enlightened and smart after correcting false convictions, the smart person however feels humbled, as she is blessed with the ability to project this past experience into a possible future and deduce that she might be wrong about other believes she has right now that could be corrected in the future. Therefore I conclude that the only ways to feel like a genius are that you are either to dumb to see your own short-comings or too dumb to project your insights gained from past experiences into a possible future.

In short, you have to be pretty mentally challenged to believe you are a genius.

Blood Ties

Do know all your close relatives personally? And some more distant ones as well? Do you have access to their phone number, home address and know their birthdays, occupation and maybe other details? Yes? Well then – congratulations. I do not. There is an issue with this in my life right now and it just burns in me – I need to write about this. However, since it does touch on private information about others, I will be quite vague sometimes and hope to be still clear enough to make my point.

I grew up with a lot of family that was not there. Some people who should have existed that were never properly grieved for. Others far far away because of decisions made by people who wanted to avoid the mess of a complicated family, not respecting their children’s rights. Then Family that could, that should be close, kept away to keep the secrets that needed to be kept in order to maintain this wonderfully tidy construct. And finally those not interested in contact, for what reasons? I can only guess. Why do people do this? I can only imagine the adults sitting together while the baby sleeps discussing things that will so greatly decide another’s fate. What did they say? Maybe they said a child would only be confused by these things, it could not possibly understand them (while what they were really saying was that they did not want to find a way to explain). Maybe they said the others were not “really family” anyways and that this must be taken care of by them alone. Maybe they never thought that years of loneliness are so much more damaging than some confusion.

And then years later when we are the adults. Why someone is not curious to meet a close relative – another thing I do not understand. It cannot be a fault of mine because I had not even had an opportunity for any mistake. What do they think? Again I can only guess. Maybe they want to forget the mess, forget what connects us in the first place? Or is it really just the lack of interest? Am I the strange one for my curiosity? For 25 years I have longed to bridge this gap and still my desire for information has not diminished in the slightest. Why? What do I hope to find? One part of the reason certainly is that I see the power of the genes. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they fit right in with their family and consider these things results of nurture. But I have not fit in. I know my interests are not a result of nurture – they are my nature that came out even though it was unexpected, unwelcome where I was. Maybe that is what makes me so curious to see for myself what more lies in my blood, things I could not possibly conclude from an internet research. My desire to find out just keeps growing with each unbelievable coincidence I find. Will it ever go away?

I am all grown up now, but years of manipulation and forced distance have left their marks. We are all trapped in those learned behaviors. And still have to live with the consequences of other’s decisions. Maybe forever.

Why I am a Hardliner

Greetings!

Have ever been in a situation where someone basically harassed you with their opinion? I sure have. Personally I live by the motto “each their own” – quite peacefully. I believe e everybody is different and therefore should talk, act, think and believe different things. It is right and healthy to be different from others. It is “normal”.

However, this liberal approach is often taken as ether a weakness or a cry for help that is readily given in the form of unasked advice. Advice about ANYTHING. It starts at how often you should nurse your child continues at whether the dysfunctional relationship with your mother is your own fault and sure does not stop at recommendations for the frequency of vaginal ultrasound (I know this was a complicated sentence – but I cannot help it. I am German.).

This is not the worst thing about the experience though. Usually after receiving the unwarranted advice I will calmly again state my own opinion connected with a, for me, viable argument. This will provoke a sort of explosion in the other person that I like to call opinion-harassment. This consists in repeating their own opinion over and over in an increasing volume however lacking new arguments. Maybe they think that somehow the same argument gets more convincing with repetition and sound intensity. It really does not – instead my tolerance for the other person is tested severely while I fantasize about different ways to gag or strangle the source of my headache.

There is hope for all out there who have been victimized in such a manner: Whenever a subject of known controversy arises in the presence of a past offender, and I do not feel up to bearing the pain of what must follow my tolerant approach, I do the following: I state my own opinion in a rather strong voice, do not give any reason for it and then say “and I believe all other ways are bad/harmful/wrong” while staring rather hostile. This puts my opinion in the same realm where religion or taste reside and makes them therefore untouchable by reason. The usual response to this strategy is a disbelieving “really?” and a look as if I am nuts – and then a change of subject. Mission accomplished.

Have a wonderful week:-)

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